Our Angels

 All that's missing is a fancy '&' between the girl's names

 Lauren's beautiful feet....about the length of a quarter...

 Treasured mementos...

Growing up, I loved playing the game of LIFE.  You know, the board game where there are perfect houses and spouses with perfect jobs and the little cars that "collect" family as your "life" progresses?  I cheated....ALWAYS. I didn't follow the rules because I ALWAYS had to have twin girls in my LIFE car, right behind the dad driving and mom riding shotgun.  NO little BOYS ALLOWED in my car, PERIOD! Thats how I pictured my perfect family when I was 10ish.  I have always wanted identical twin little girls. So imagine my overwhelming joy when we received news in late winter of 2005 that we were not only going to be blessed with one little girl but TWO!!  I was over-the-moon happy! My childhood dream was coming true.
I felt confident that I was going to do everything "right" with this pregnancy.
For those who do not know our story, our firstborn son Ryder was born at 30wks weighing 2lbs 1/2oz due to complications from Preeclampsia.  I was young and ignorant about pregnancy. I remember feeling invincible and proud of the things I could do at 26wks pregnant {right before I ended up in the hospital on bedrest} I was trimming horses hooves for goodness sake!  I'm not saying I caused the problems or blame myself for the problems I had associated with Preeclampsia, but I certainly didn't help things either! 
I knew ALL the signs of Preeclampsia by the time I was pregnant with the twins.  I also knew that Preeclampsia USUALLY doesn't happen twice for most mothers. I was feeling confident, educated, and prepared.  At our 18wk ultrasound {the "BIG" one}, we were super-excited to find out what we were having.  I can remember the day like it was yesterday.  The ultrasound started off the same as any other, the technician was bubbly and making small-talk with us. Asking if we had any other children, what we were hoping for...blah, blah, blah.  And then he got very quiet. I had seen enough ultrasounds {I cannot count on two hands how many we had with Ryder!} to know that something was very wrong. We asked if everything was okay, and he told us he needed to get the results to our OB and he would go over the findings with us.  We knew. We knew without even speaking that something was wrong.  Twin B had died, and Twin A was alive and well. Our quack of a doctor had no explanation for us and simply told us, "Ehhh....These things happen. I will see you in 6wks for your next appointment." No actions needed to be taken he said, as she would simply absorb back into my body over time. No warnings, advice, general concern? Seriously? Okay doc, if you're not concerned, I guess I shouldn't be concerned either. BIG MISTAKE. 6wks later, on May 26th, 2005 {7 years ago TODAY} at almost 24wks pregnant, an ultrasound confirmed that our other little girl had no heartbeat and judging by her size had most likely died 2wks earlier.  At this point, I was far enough along in my pregnancy that I had to deliver my babies who had no life left in them.  I remember almost nothing for the next few hours. I was admitted to the hospital, started on Pitocin to induce labor, and we waited. Waited for our dead babies.  I remember being mad, REALLY mad.
The girls were born weighing a mere 7oz between them.  Twin A was the only one resembling a baby.  I was asked if I would like to hold her. I declined. Someone {?} stated that more often than not it was very helpful for the grieving process. I changed my mind. I am SO glad I did. The nurse wrapped her up in a beautiful white and pink blanket and put a tiny little pink hat on her and brought her to us. She was perfect. SO perfect. Everything that was supposed to be there was there. 10 fingers, 10 toes...we counted them all. It did help.
There are many things I would have done differently. I desperately wish I would have taken pictures and taken notes on who helped us with what, etc. But those are details we just didn't think about. Thankfully we had an amazing nurse that took footprints and made little hospital bracelets for our little girls. I am so thankful that I have those tiny treasures.
The world at large will never know that there were little girls born unto us.  There is no record of their birth, nor a record of their death.  A baby is simply considered a miscarriage if he/she is born weighing less than 11oz and not surviving.  It is one of many things that upsets me to think about. How can there be no record of my little girls I held in my arms? My little girls who had fingers and toes??
We had a beautiful little ceremony in our backyard. A few close family and friends were present. We planted a lovely lilac bush in remembrance of our two little angel girls...Lauren Christine {twin A} and Ava Elizabeth {twin B}.
And can you believe that life went on?! I was so angry!  All around me life went on. I expected the world to stop because that's how I felt. I couldn't believe that people had the audacity to carry on with their lives. I wanted to scream, "Don't you know my babies just died!?" "The world is over!"
Over time my anger subsided and life went on.  There were many unforeseen events in the days and weeks following their birth that were hard, really hard. Like when my milk came in...THAT was a tough day. It was a constant reminder of my empty arms.
It has taken me 7 years, but I have finally finished a shadowbox with the few treasured mementos I have of that day! I love how it turned out! My only question now is where to hang it? Where do you hang a box full of stuff from children that are no longer living on this earth? Children that a lot of people in our lives do not even know existed? I really have no idea. I want to eventually make an individual shadowbox for each of my kiddos. Then I suppose I could hang them all together?
Life is SO bittersweet.  If I hadn't lost the twins, I probably wouldn't have had Ridge or Noah.  How sad that is to think about!  On the flip-side, the twins would have been 7 this year. Wow. What color hair would they have had? Eyes? Personalities? Oh, the possibilities are endless! I believe one day, I will know the answers to these questions.
I switched to a different doctor after losing the twins. He was amazing and helped me bring one healthy full-term baby boy into this world {our 2nd boy}, and I believe saved the life of Noah {our 3rd boy, born at 25wks due to Preeclamsia as well. His story can be found here.} by being SO proactive! I am not sure my little girls could have been saved had I had a different {more attentive, caring, concerned, proactive, etc.} doctor, but I think our chances would have been much greater.  I was never given any explanation as to why my little girls didn't make it.  I have a hunch that if I were able to look at lab work {that was never done} or my blood pressures {that I was never knew} that all the signs would probably point to Preeclampsia.