Doin' much better :)

Noah is doing SO much better!  He was on oxygen for a total of 5 day....5 DAYS PEOPLE! THAT was tough!  He has a bit of a lingering cough, and his follow-up chest x-ray last week showed some lingering "junk" in his right lung, but overall is doing fine.  He did however lose some weight...and on his tiny 22 lb frame, every ounce lost seems like a pound.  He seems so frail.  His doctor noticed too....UGHH!  I told him he was looking chunky {Relatively-speaking people! You had better not have the same facial expression right now that his doctor had when I used the word "chunky" in reference to Noah} before he got sick with Pneumonia.  My opinion was based on the fact that a few months ago I was having to roll the waistband on his swim trunks to get them to stay up on his little bum....and just before he got sick, we had gone to Lava Hot Springs {ahhhh...} and I didn't have to roll his trunks to stay up.  But now were back to rolling the waistband :(  And fattening him back up...any ideas or tips for me?

Our Angels

 All that's missing is a fancy '&' between the girl's names

 Lauren's beautiful feet....about the length of a quarter...

 Treasured mementos...

Growing up, I loved playing the game of LIFE.  You know, the board game where there are perfect houses and spouses with perfect jobs and the little cars that "collect" family as your "life" progresses?  I cheated....ALWAYS. I didn't follow the rules because I ALWAYS had to have twin girls in my LIFE car, right behind the dad driving and mom riding shotgun.  NO little BOYS ALLOWED in my car, PERIOD! Thats how I pictured my perfect family when I was 10ish.  I have always wanted identical twin little girls. So imagine my overwhelming joy when we received news in late winter of 2005 that we were not only going to be blessed with one little girl but TWO!!  I was over-the-moon happy! My childhood dream was coming true.
I felt confident that I was going to do everything "right" with this pregnancy.
For those who do not know our story, our firstborn son Ryder was born at 30wks weighing 2lbs 1/2oz due to complications from Preeclampsia.  I was young and ignorant about pregnancy. I remember feeling invincible and proud of the things I could do at 26wks pregnant {right before I ended up in the hospital on bedrest} I was trimming horses hooves for goodness sake!  I'm not saying I caused the problems or blame myself for the problems I had associated with Preeclampsia, but I certainly didn't help things either! 
I knew ALL the signs of Preeclampsia by the time I was pregnant with the twins.  I also knew that Preeclampsia USUALLY doesn't happen twice for most mothers. I was feeling confident, educated, and prepared.  At our 18wk ultrasound {the "BIG" one}, we were super-excited to find out what we were having.  I can remember the day like it was yesterday.  The ultrasound started off the same as any other, the technician was bubbly and making small-talk with us. Asking if we had any other children, what we were hoping for...blah, blah, blah.  And then he got very quiet. I had seen enough ultrasounds {I cannot count on two hands how many we had with Ryder!} to know that something was very wrong. We asked if everything was okay, and he told us he needed to get the results to our OB and he would go over the findings with us.  We knew. We knew without even speaking that something was wrong.  Twin B had died, and Twin A was alive and well. Our quack of a doctor had no explanation for us and simply told us, "Ehhh....These things happen. I will see you in 6wks for your next appointment." No actions needed to be taken he said, as she would simply absorb back into my body over time. No warnings, advice, general concern? Seriously? Okay doc, if you're not concerned, I guess I shouldn't be concerned either. BIG MISTAKE. 6wks later, on May 26th, 2005 {7 years ago TODAY} at almost 24wks pregnant, an ultrasound confirmed that our other little girl had no heartbeat and judging by her size had most likely died 2wks earlier.  At this point, I was far enough along in my pregnancy that I had to deliver my babies who had no life left in them.  I remember almost nothing for the next few hours. I was admitted to the hospital, started on Pitocin to induce labor, and we waited. Waited for our dead babies.  I remember being mad, REALLY mad.
The girls were born weighing a mere 7oz between them.  Twin A was the only one resembling a baby.  I was asked if I would like to hold her. I declined. Someone {?} stated that more often than not it was very helpful for the grieving process. I changed my mind. I am SO glad I did. The nurse wrapped her up in a beautiful white and pink blanket and put a tiny little pink hat on her and brought her to us. She was perfect. SO perfect. Everything that was supposed to be there was there. 10 fingers, 10 toes...we counted them all. It did help.
There are many things I would have done differently. I desperately wish I would have taken pictures and taken notes on who helped us with what, etc. But those are details we just didn't think about. Thankfully we had an amazing nurse that took footprints and made little hospital bracelets for our little girls. I am so thankful that I have those tiny treasures.
The world at large will never know that there were little girls born unto us.  There is no record of their birth, nor a record of their death.  A baby is simply considered a miscarriage if he/she is born weighing less than 11oz and not surviving.  It is one of many things that upsets me to think about. How can there be no record of my little girls I held in my arms? My little girls who had fingers and toes??
We had a beautiful little ceremony in our backyard. A few close family and friends were present. We planted a lovely lilac bush in remembrance of our two little angel girls...Lauren Christine {twin A} and Ava Elizabeth {twin B}.
And can you believe that life went on?! I was so angry!  All around me life went on. I expected the world to stop because that's how I felt. I couldn't believe that people had the audacity to carry on with their lives. I wanted to scream, "Don't you know my babies just died!?" "The world is over!"
Over time my anger subsided and life went on.  There were many unforeseen events in the days and weeks following their birth that were hard, really hard. Like when my milk came in...THAT was a tough day. It was a constant reminder of my empty arms.
It has taken me 7 years, but I have finally finished a shadowbox with the few treasured mementos I have of that day! I love how it turned out! My only question now is where to hang it? Where do you hang a box full of stuff from children that are no longer living on this earth? Children that a lot of people in our lives do not even know existed? I really have no idea. I want to eventually make an individual shadowbox for each of my kiddos. Then I suppose I could hang them all together?
Life is SO bittersweet.  If I hadn't lost the twins, I probably wouldn't have had Ridge or Noah.  How sad that is to think about!  On the flip-side, the twins would have been 7 this year. Wow. What color hair would they have had? Eyes? Personalities? Oh, the possibilities are endless! I believe one day, I will know the answers to these questions.
I switched to a different doctor after losing the twins. He was amazing and helped me bring one healthy full-term baby boy into this world {our 2nd boy}, and I believe saved the life of Noah {our 3rd boy, born at 25wks due to Preeclamsia as well. His story can be found here.} by being SO proactive! I am not sure my little girls could have been saved had I had a different {more attentive, caring, concerned, proactive, etc.} doctor, but I think our chances would have been much greater.  I was never given any explanation as to why my little girls didn't make it.  I have a hunch that if I were able to look at lab work {that was never done} or my blood pressures {that I was never knew} that all the signs would probably point to Preeclampsia.

A sad story

Noah has pneumonia. Option A was hospitalization. Option B was home on oxygen 24/7 for 3{ish} days. His O2 levels are hovering around 89 w/o oxygen. They should be over 94. We picked option B. I feel we had this option partly because of our *ahem* extensive background in the area of critical child care. At least there are some perks to knowing and understanding proper O2 levels.

 Here he is after a crying fit because of the oxygen tube in his nose.

The next morning...I had to bribe him to take Tylenol with a few minutes of freedom from the oxygen...NO JUDGING! It was worth every minute to see him smile.

 At his checkup today....feeling better, but still have to keep the oxygen on.

 Tonight....he is SO over the foreign object on his face!

P.S. If you have any idea how this child of mine functions, you should know that trying to keep oxygen on him is like tryin' to catch a greased pig. It ain't easy! But he is better today than he was yesterday. Lets pray that tomorrow shows the same progress.

Did you know?

Did you know that I have a savior that loves me SO much he laid his life down for mine?  I love Easter for that very reason.  We had a really great day really focusing on Jesus and his sacrifice.  No Easter egg hunt. {GASP!} I know....it wasn't intentional, it just wasn't a priority.  We didn't even dye Easter eggs until yesterday!  Its a delicate balance trying NOT to focus on the "commercialized" part of Easter and really trying to teach the wee ones why we celebrate Easter. 

Did you know that I have some really amazing people in my life that I love SO much?  We were very fortunate to spend Easter with "family" that I haven't seen in a very long time.  I am also grateful for amazing friends!  

Did you know that I am So grateful to be able to stay home and raise my family?  Chase works so hard to make this an easy option for us! I am so blessed!

Did you know that Chase is the repo-man?  He thinks he has died and gone to heaven.  He is getting paid to ride horses and steal cars....seriously!  It is the perfect job to fill in the gaps during slow training months.  If ya ever need a good laugh, just give me a ring. I've got some really awesome/funny/scary stories....whatever you're in the mood for!

Did you know I have a major addiction to Pinterest? Its amazing!  If you know what I'm talking about, enough said. But if you don't, you really should go to Pinterest.com and go through the hassle of requesting an invite and start browsing/pinning.

Did you know that as I am writing this, Ridge said to me, {out of the blue, while playing Legos by himself}"Mom, I love you to the moon and back a thousand-hundred billion times!" Is there anything better?

Did you know that I lost twin little girls that would be 7 next month?  How awesome it will be to be reunited with them one day!  I have been working on a shadow-box for the few little items I have to remember them by.  I am not sure why it has taken me almost 7 years to be able to complete this project, but look for the finished product in a future post!

Did you know that Noah's potty training successes have been on a bit of a hiatus lately? For whatever reason, the last week he hasn't wanted to go poopy in the potty.  Ask me if I care? Nope! Because...........................

Did you know there was a point in his tiny, fragile life that he couldn't poop AT ALL?  So am I grateful that he is pooping? Even in his pants?? YUP :)

Did you know I should probably wait to post this until morning so I can make sure I am actually making any sense? Am I going to? Nope.

Whats that sayin'?

In like a lion, out like a lamb...right?  That is precisely how March has been! Oh, where to begin?  Okay, how about lets start with Ryder.  He started showing some protein in his urine in late February {brought on by a cold}.....we immediately restricted his sodium intake {to help prevent swelling} and gave his body a few weeks to try to "kick it" on its own. No such luck! We had to begin steroid treatment, but because it has been SO long since he has been on any medication {September}, his body responded swiftly and he is doing great now!  And he didn't swell!  His "Spring Break" begins tomorrow and he most likely will spend every minute possible at the barn with Chase.  He is preparing for a show in late May. :) 
Up next, Ridgeman!  He is finally showing some interest in preschool.  In the past we would sit down together to write his name, etc.and he would almost immediately inform me how tired he/his arm was and that he needed a break.  Funny kiddo anyways!  He is now sounding out words and beginning to read! I had forgotten how exciting it is to see that particular feat accomplished!  We {Ridge, Noah & I} have a mommy & me gymnastics class on Monday mornings that we have been going to for about 6 months.  It is really fun and engaging. And for $15 a month, its TOTALLY worth it!
Last but definitely not least, Noah.  Oh this child of mine is too fun!  He is SO smart and thoroughly enjoys every minute of life!  His potty-training was a definite success!! I have not changed a poopy diaper in almost 2 weeks.  He prefers to pee outside, even when we're home.  THAT is our issue at the moment. :)  I think he also out-talks Ryder and Ridge combined in a day!
I had a wonderful "girls" weekend in good ol' SLC {a couple weeks ago} with a dear friend.  I'm sorry to those that I never made it to visit, but I was too busy doing NOTHING!  No cleaning, laundry, errands, demands, etc....You get the point right?
Oh ya, and last Friday I went to opening night of.....THE HUNGER GAMES!  I loved it.
Here are a few pictures from TumbleBugs...

Some rainy day fun...

I found this fantastical idea here! As soon as I saw it, I couldn't wait to surprise the boys one cold and wet day like today.  They have been playing non-stop since I set it up this AM {it has since been slightly modified}.  I even got a "This is the best day of my life!" {Ridge} I'm not sure if thats a good reflection on us as parents if tape on the floor qualifies as the best day of his life? And a "You are the best Mom EVER!" {Ryder}

I have the cutest video ever, but do you think it will load for me? Nope.  I will have Chase help me later and see if he can get it uploaded.

 

What we've been doing today...

Am I convinced he's ready?  No.  But a couple of days ago while building a puzzle w/the older boys, Noah came to me and asked me to take his diaper off.  I agreed, as I had not changed his night-time diaper yet {no judging!}.  I figured I would give him a few minutes {no harm in that right?} and then put a new diaper on.  Next thing I know he is "playing" with the toilet lid/seat {I'm regretting writing this already}.  I ask him if he needs to go potty and he says YES.  Been there, done that, but then he does something remarkable!  I head to the kitchen to grab a "potty treat" {1 M&M} come back, and........HE PEED!  The proof still dripping {TMI?}.  Sooo, you tell me...is he trying to tell me he's ready?

P.S. He has only had two "accidents" today.....but as I type, there is something BIG brewing.  Of that I AM convinced!

To be continued..........